This is a guest post by Dana Peck. Dana serves as a professional learning consultant and is owner of Vantage Point Inc., a company that provides a full spectrum of learning, consulting and coaching solutions to assist organizations in achieving their goals aimed at excellent internal and external customer relations, sales and employee development. You can contact Dana via email
As effective leaders, we know that situations arise that call for difficult discussions demonstrating courage. Oftentimes our emphasis is placed on how to construct such a conversation. Implicit in conversing is the exchange of information—sending and receiving. Given this, how often have you taken the time to consider the concept of “courageous listening” and the critical role it plays in difficult situations?
We take listening—our own as well as that of others—very much for granted. Paying attention to what someone is telling us, day in and day out, is often so routine and commonplace that it strikes us as being almost as instinctive as breathing. We may tend to view listening as a passive activity. In reality, however, it is quite the opposite. The role of a courageous listener is truly an active, influential one that contributes to dynamic, trusting and profitable relationships in which everyone benefits.
Sometimes our listening (or lack of) only comes to the forefront of our attention when someone might comment, accusingly, “Did you hear what I said” or “You’re not listening.” How often do you catch yourself drifting or applying only a limited portion of your energy to really listening? After all, we develop certain habits around listening—some good ones and some not so good.
Think of the difference it would make if each of us really felt listened to when we spoke. Imagine the time it would save to be heard the first time around, instead of having to repeat ourselves over and over again. Envision a conversation in which each person is listened to with respect, even those whose views are different from ours. The simple act of courageous listening to each other can transform relationships within both our business and personal lives.
Potential Roadblocks to Courageous Listening
Research indicates that the average adult listens with only 25% efficiency. Some of the obvious reasons we don’t listen as well as we could include time, multi-tasking, repetitiveness, lack of interest, emotional state and so on. However, there are some other reasons that may not be so apparent. Consider the following reasons:
- Listening to Compete or Defeat—when you’re conversing with someone, you may find yourself wanting to be listened to more than wanting to listen. The person you’re talking with appears to want the same thing, and so a subtle competition ensues. We end up “listening with our motor running.” Our intent is to “be right” and prove the other person wrong.
- Listening Within a Role— when we listen within a role, we focus on finding the kind of information that will support our designated function. Equally valuable information may go unnoticed. Our listening may be unconsciously biased based on our role.
- Listening for Safe Information—when we listen for what we already know or feel safe with, we miss opportunities for transformational learning and change. Courage is required to seize these opportunities, to listen for what we do not know, for what doesn’t fit, for what is uncomfortable or unpleasant to hear.
- Listening Based on Perceived Value and Style—sometimes we don’t listen because we have preconceived ideas about the topic, speaker, situation or delivery style. Research indicates that the “perceived value” of either the sender or the information (or both) can greatly impact our willingness to listen.
As a courageous and true listening leader, you may want to remember the following in fine tuning your listening skills:
- Clear your thoughts and concentrate on the speaker and the message
- Open your mind and heart—avoid bias
- Understand both the content and the emotion involved in the message
- Respond appropriately so the speaker knows you are listening
- Acknowledge the value of the speaker and the message
- Gain additional information and insight
- Engage your mental energy and eliminate distractions—both internal and external
Benefits of Listening
When we listen, we learn and retain more along with earning the respect and cooperation of others. We gain credibility and trust. Others feel more valued and respected. People are more apt to share with us their true thoughts and feelings because they sense that we genuinely care. We experience less frustration, conflict and misunderstanding. We can save time, accomplish goals more easily, adapt to change, make our jobs and lives more satisfying and serve as more skilled leaders.
“The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.”
-Henry David Thoreau
