Advice for Women in Tech: Understanding Men and Bullying

by becki on May 20, 2012

This is a sensitive topic and some feelings may be hurt, so stop reading if you can’t handle it. I don’t have all the answers and my advice is based on my experiences and observations, but I hope this post will help at least one person realize they are hurting others and they will change their behavior.

I’ve been a women working in male dominated industries for more than 30 years. I’ve either been very lucky, clueless or naive, but I haven’t been subjected to any of the loathsome, boorish behavior of bullying, intimidation, and objectification of women in tech that I’ve been reading and hearing about lately. I think one thing that’s helped me be successful and enjoy my work in tech, is my understanding of men and their code of conduct. Sharing it with you might help you too.

Men – My Experiences

I grew up with 6 wild uncles and followed my father around on weekends where he played ball, hunted, fished, farmed, and occasionally went to the Eagles’ Club. I played pickup games with the neighbor boys. We had BB gun wars and the odd scuffle.

I’ve worked with men in the Army, electronics field, and IT. I went to college first in electronics, then EE, then CS. There weren’t a lot of women in any of those experiences. In general, I am far more comfortable dealing with men than I am dealing with women.

Hopefully I can provide some insight for women who haven’t spent the leisure time with men that I have.

Man Pressure

Men have this thing I call “Man Pressure”. It’s the pressure to perform and deliver and to maintain face. They are always in competition. They have this whole Lord of the Flies interaction with each other as boys, and that continues into adulthood. They find a way to either win or survive as boys, and later try to find a place where they can either excel or survive as adults.

Women tend to frighten the more insecure men because women can expose them to ridicule from the other guys. A women beating them at anything is sure to trigger this response from the group. Especially if the woman does anything to draw attention to her victory. Where it’s OK for a man to needle and boast in front of other men, a woman doing so will cause the man to lose face. From what I can tell, it’s like a woman calling out a fashion faux pax made by another woman.

A lot of men in tech weren’t the Alpha males in high school and have bad memories of being ridiculed and embarrassed. Now they have a comfortable club of men in tech where their skills matter more than their athletic ability, body shape, or hygiene. Teenage girls are mean, and the more insecure guys are afraid that the women entering their world are the same cruel creatures they escaped.

You can avoid triggering those insecurities. Show them you’re not the same kind of girl that was mean to them. Don’t make competition personal and don’t share personal judgements about them. Be a team mate, not a competitor. Celebrate their accomplishments with them.

How to Handle a Bully

Bullying can be a response to the insecurities that some of these men have about interacting with a woman in their workplace. It doesn’t matter whether you understand the code or not – bullying and aggressive language and behavior is unacceptable!

  • Confront bullying and aggression head on. Call it out and let the aggressor know you won’t accept that behavior.
  • If the bullying or aggression happens publicly, call it out in public. Do it at the first sign of trouble, accepting it is viewed as a sign of weakness.
  • Don’t get personal in your judgements. Keep the conversation about expectations and the results.
  • Be calm and factual. Take time to collect yourself if you can’t control your emotions
  • Involve your management and HR department if the behavior continues

Wrap-Up

These are my opinons and observations, and I’ve obviously made several generalizations here. Use your best judgement, but the best advise I can give is to treat everyone with courtesy and respect.  Be good.

 

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Tagged as: bullying, women in tech, workplace bullying

  • Domadrian

    As a woman who works in a tech field who has been the victim of bullying I was looking forward to reading this.  I have worked with closely with men for over 20 years and never experienced this before. 

    I am extremely disappointed that you suggest it is something that “we” do that triggers their insecurities.  For some one who has never experienced this you have no right to weigh in. 

    I was repeatedly asked to do dangerous work with hazardous and pathogenic material without training, safety protocols or protective equipment.  When I respectfully refused based on my legal right to refuse unsafe work I was targeted, reprimanded and practically driven out of the organization by individuals in management and HR.  Research shows this is the most common outcome with respect to bullying.  I suggest you look into it. 

  • http://blog.beckitrue.com/ Becki True

    Domadrian, the retaliation and violation of of your rights you are experiencing is reprehensible, and I wish you the best in resolving that situation.

    My intention in writing this article was to try to explain what I’ve seen from my perspective, as someone who has spent my entire life in the company of men. I hoped to explain why some men behave this way and hoped that armed with that knowledge, women could adapt their behavior to improve their relationship with their more insecure coworkers. Then maybe we all could begin a conversation to better understand each other without threatening or feeling threatened by each other.

    I guess I didn’t execute very well, or maybe it wasn’t the answer you were looking for. I was writing in response to incidents where women in IT were bullied just for being women in IT. It sounds like your situation is different from the ones I had in mind when I wrote this.

    Again, I wish you the best. Hopefully your labor relations board can help.

  • Mimi

    I’m a woman in IT who gets bullied the second it becomes clear I can code faster or with fewer bugs than the other SW guys. So does that mean that in order to not embarass my fellow IT men I have to “play dumb” and be a good little, dumb girl? Is it my fault I get bullied because I happen to be more competent than the “man pressured” males?

    Please think about your advice. Your article is nothing more than a case of “blame the victim”, and coming from a fellow woman, is quite insulting. If you haven’t been bullied before, you’ve been incredibly lucky, nothing more.

  • http://blog.beckitrue.com/ Becki True

    Mimi

    It’s great that you’re very good at your job. It’s unfortunate that your co-workers are threatened by your ability. It’s despicable that you’re bullied because they feel threatened.

    The last thing I suggested was to “play dumb”. I was just suggesting that being a supportive team mate rather than being a combative competitor is a better approach coming in the door. However, if you are faced with bullying you cannot back down. You have to address it head on.

    You’re right, I may have been lucky, but I think it’s a combination of understanding men because I’ve grown up with them, played sports with them, had a few fist fights with them, and worked with them. I also let them know when they are approaching the line and that I won’t be intimidated.

    It’s really unfortunate that this field attracts so many of men with this type of personality. It’s great work for women, clean, not very physical, intellectually challenging, and pays well. I was just trying to explain why these guys act this way and what to do if you are bullied. I’m sorry you didn’t find it useful.

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