How It Started

My life was going along pretty great. I was feeling good in all phases of my life: spiritual, mental, and physical. Work was going well. I was getting ready for our wedding, and getting the van ready for a trip out West.

And then I remembered that I needed to get that mammogram scheduled.

I got the mammogram. I always have to go back for a second one and an ultrasound, so when that happened I wasn’t too concerned. But when I was getting the ultrasound, I kinda had a feeling this time was different. That feeling was confirmed when the radiologist came in to double check. He explained to me that I had a lump that’s been there for years, but this time something looked different about it, and the only way to check it out is a biopsy.

They Pull You Back In

This week I got to meet with both my surgeon and oncologist. I received the results from the second surgery, and the good news is that we have clean margins this time, so no more surgery. So that second surgery that I really, really didn’t want to have, was really, really important for me to have.

The less good news is that the lump of cancer cells in there was bigger than they thought.

Patience Patience Patience

I’m not a naturally patient person. The patience I have has been acquired painfully, but I’ve learned to make those lessons easier.

I’ve learned to pay attention and to honor painful, scary, or confusing situations by asking what I can learn from each one. I’ve even reached the point where I welcome the opportunity to learn from the experience. Sometimes. Eventually.

Having to go back for a second surgery was an opportunity to learn. I didn’t want to go back because the first one was so trying. But there wasn’t a good option that would let me avoid going back to surgery. So what could I learn from this experience?

Pathology Results

The first week post-surgery wasn’t too bad. I was mostly looking forward to the post surgery check-up because that’s when I would get the results of the lymph node biopsy. The great news there is that there is no cancer in any of the lymph nodes they removed. That means it hasn’t spread and I won’t need to have any chemotherapy.

I do have to go back in for more surgery though. They have to go back in to take out more tissue, because there was a “positive margin” in one part of the tissue they took out. That means that there was no border of clean tissue in that area.

Things Just Got Real

I really haven’t had to address anything regarding the cancer diagnosis until now. I just had to wait until the surgery date.

In the interim, I took care of myself. I did my morning stretches and intentions. I went for walks. I rowed. I felt really good mentally, physically, and spiritually.

But coming out of it, I feel like I lost something. My feelings are still raw and unprocessed, not unlike the wounds from the surgery. And those wounds are not pretty.