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Advice for Women in Tech: Understanding Men and Bullying

by becki on May 20, 2012

This is a sensitive topic and some feelings may be hurt, so stop reading if you can’t handle it. I don’t have all the answers and my advice is based on my experiences and observations, but I hope this post will help at least one person realize they are hurting others and they will change their behavior.

I’ve been a women working in male dominated industries for more than 30 years. I’ve either been very lucky, clueless or naive, but I haven’t been subjected to any of the loathsome, boorish behavior of bullying, intimidation, and objectification of women in tech that I’ve been reading and hearing about lately. I think one thing that’s helped me be successful and enjoy my work in tech, is my understanding of men and their code of conduct. Sharing it with you might help you too.

Men – My Experiences

I grew up with 6 wild uncles and followed my father around on weekends where he played ball, hunted, fished, farmed, and occasionally went to the Eagles’ Club. I played pickup games with the neighbor boys. We had BB gun wars and the odd scuffle.

I’ve worked with men in the Army, electronics field, and IT. I went to college first in electronics, then EE, then CS. There weren’t a lot of women in any of those experiences. In general, I am far more comfortable dealing with men than I am dealing with women.

Hopefully I can provide some insight for women who haven’t spent the leisure time with men that I have.

Man Pressure

Men have this thing I call “Man Pressure”. It’s the pressure to perform and deliver and to maintain face. They are always in competition. They have this whole Lord of the Flies interaction with each other as boys, and that continues into adulthood. They find a way to either win or survive as boys, and later try to find a place where they can either excel or survive as adults.

Women tend to frighten the more insecure men because women can expose them to ridicule from the other guys. A women beating them at anything is sure to trigger this response from the group. Especially if the woman does anything to draw attention to her victory. Where it’s OK for a man to needle and boast in front of other men, a woman doing so will cause the man to lose face. From what I can tell, it’s like a woman calling out a fashion faux pax made by another woman.

A lot of men in tech weren’t the Alpha males in high school and have bad memories of being ridiculed and embarrassed. Now they have a comfortable club of men in tech where their skills matter more than their athletic ability, body shape, or hygiene. Teenage girls are mean, and the more insecure guys are afraid that the women entering their world are the same cruel creatures they escaped.

You can avoid triggering those insecurities. Show them you’re not the same kind of girl that was mean to them. Don’t make competition personal and don’t share personal judgements about them. Be a team mate, not a competitor. Celebrate their accomplishments with them.

How to Handle a Bully

Bullying can be a response to the insecurities that some of these men have about interacting with a woman in their workplace. It doesn’t matter whether you understand the code or not – bullying and aggressive language and behavior is unacceptable!

Confront bullying and aggression head on. Call it out and let the aggressor know you won’t accept that behavior.
If the bullying or aggression happens publicly, call it out in public. Do it at the first sign of trouble, accepting it is viewed as a sign of weakness.
Don’t get personal in your judgements. Keep the conversation about expectations and the results.
Be calm and factual. Take time to collect yourself if you can’t control your emotions
Involve your management and HR department if the behavior continues

Wrap-Up

These are my opinons and observations, and I’ve obviously made several generalizations here. Use your best judgement, but the best advise I can give is to treat everyone with courtesy and respect. Be good.

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6 Steps to Deal with Employee Performance Problems

by becki on March 24, 2012

One of the toughest and frankly, most annoying aspects of being a leader is dealing with employees who aren’t meeting expectations. If you’re going to be in a people leading position, you’d better learn how to deal with it. Choosing not to deal with performance expectations means you’ve abdicated your job.

6 Steps to Deal with Employee Performance Problems

Be Honest

Be honest with yourself and your employee. Are they meeting expectations? Check to make sure that they really understand the expectations. Most people want to meet the expectations of their company, boss and coworkers, so make sure it’s not just a misunderstanding. If they do understand the expectations, confront the problem immediately.
Avoid Conflict by Focusing on the Requirements Not the Personality

Conflict avoidance is one of the biggest reasons people don’t hold people accountable. I wrote a couple articles on the techniques you can use to remove stress and conflict from these meetings. If you have trouble with conflict, I suggest you read those (they’re pretty good).
Document

Take notes of your meetings with the person and keep the notes in a secure place. I know most people avoid this step, but the clock doesn’t start until you document that there is an issue. This documentation will be very important to demonstrate that there is a pattern of behavior that is unacceptable and that you have taken steps to correct it.
Work with HR

I understand that is can be very frustrating, but they are there to protect the company and can help you avoid violating federal and state labor laws. Your company probably has other requirements that you need to meet, so get with them early to make sure you’ve got your bases covered. Work with them to resolve the issues one way or another.
Don’t Put the Booger on the Other Finger

You may be tempted to move the person to another job, under another supervisor, but that’s just moving the problem. It also shows that you’re not much of a leader.
Trust Your Gut

How many times have you given someone a second or third chance and had it work out? Deal with every failure to meet expectations immediately. Putting it off will only make things worse for you, your team and the employee.

When Things Don’t Work Out

Sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes it’s just a bad fit because of skills, culture, work schedule, or any number of things. I think it is far better to admit that and deal with it than try to ignore it, avoid it or move it. Business is tough enough without carrying people on the payroll who are ineffective or even toxic.

If you’ve been honest with the employee and honestly worked with them to improve their performance, then you’ve done all that you can do. There should be no surprises when the time comes to end the employment relationship.

What do you think? Do you think leaders should deal with these problems knowing that the employee could lose their job?

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